So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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