mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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