I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
