I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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