I looked at my own cervix.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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