I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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