he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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