Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
