Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
