dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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