I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
