I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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