3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
