Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
