the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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