I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
