You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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