I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
