if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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