Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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