im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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