U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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