mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
