a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My penis needs a shock collar
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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