Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
