This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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