Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
