so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
