My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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