Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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