They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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