So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
The Olympian is in my bed
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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