Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I accidentally burped into my bong.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
