Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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