The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
