i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
