phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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