My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This baby is an asshole
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize