my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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