anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
