I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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