It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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