thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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