good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Operation Purity has been aborted
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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