So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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