Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize