She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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