everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
