I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
