Where did you get a picture of my penis
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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