What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
