Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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