Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
