you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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