I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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