also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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