He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
