Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
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